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If you're a dude all you need is a healthy dose of testosterone and curiosity — and maybe some lube. As I'm sure many of you guys have already discovered, that means the majority of the contents of your refrigerator, cabinets and most of your personal belongings can be masturbatory tools.

And ladies — want to know how to find your own homemade sex toys? Check out this list for some sexy suggestions. Peel it and remove the fruit or cut the tip off and squirt the inside out, then rinse the rind with warm water and fill it with lube.

Wrap the sections around your member, or shove your load into the hole, and pump. Prior to playtime you can put the skin in the microwave for a few seconds to warm it up, just be careful not to leave it in too long and burn yourself.

Stack them on top of each other or side-by-side and fluff. Lie on top and go to town. You also can use just one; mold it around your penis and thrust against it.

Standing in the living room, rest your wiener behind the couch cushion that leans against the backside of the sofa, or you can kneel and slip it under the seat pad.

Crammed in between, you control the resistance as you press into the tight crevice. Plush carpet, sheets gathered, or blankets piled up in a ball are all totally fuck-able.

You can use any sock sleeve as a cum-receptacle, or when you're in the shower hang a hot wet towel around your wanker to cocoon it in moist warm weight.

Choose the style that fits your manhood and then put a condom, latex glove, or other protective sheath — filled with lube!

Flip the open end over the top and secure with a rubber band or tape so it stays in place. You can hold the cylinder in your hand or wedge it between your mattresses or your couch.

Cock-condiments are more pleasurable when warmed slightly in the microwave; but make sure you test the temperature first before putting your prick into anything hot.

Take a large cucumber, squash, watermelon, honeydew, or cantaloupe, cut a hole to fit your erection in one side, and a smaller opening the size of a pencil in the other.

Hollow out the inside to fit your circumference and then screw the squishy goodness. You can place your finger over the small hole and remove it to adjust the draw to simulate the effect of getting a blowjob.

Select a jar and fill it with stewed tomatoes, Spaghetti O's, mac-n-cheese, cottage cheese, oatmeal or peanut butter. Cover the top with plastic wrap and a rubber band, cut a hole and you're ready to go.

You can also turn your salami into a sandwich by slapping it between two pieces of bread, bologna, chicken breast, chicken skin, lamb kebob, spam, liver, lox, or steak.

Grab your meal two-fisted, squeeze and squirt. Plastic Baggie. Here's all the reasons that that's ridiculous. Fine, but I ate you, motherfucker!

I chewed you up! Spit you out, and you loved every goddamn second of it. But for the most part, phallic culture remains incoherent. And funny in a way that like, opens your mind up even," says comedian Sean Patton.

And that can range from anything to other people's sexual orientation to accepting your own mental illness. Novak uses the blow job to critique cultural expectations of masculinity and the pressure women feel to become skilled at sexually pleasing men.

Why would you put him at risk? Patton likens the dick joke to a "Trojan horse" of comedy. Not that all dick jokes need to be intellectual to be taken seriously.

Pully was doing that in the '40s and '50s," comedy historian Kliph Nesteroff says. The audience would go crazy.

Dick jokes continue to thrive off audience reactions, according to several comedians I talked to. That Novak, a female comic, is revolutionizing the dick joke makes sense, considering that historically, "the vanguard for so-called dick jokes and sexual material comes first and foremost from women rather than men," Nesteroff says.

He also says African Americans pushed dick jokes further than any other ethnicity. A lot of the young black comics couldn't get into a lot of mainstream clubs, so they would have to perform wherever they could, and dick jokes were welcome to those places.

Three of the other female sex-joke pioneers Nesteroff mentioned were Jewish. Seven years later, another famous American Jew, Philip Roth, published Portnoy's Complaint , which is essentially a page dick joke, or so some claim.

She references him directly in her show, joking, "I went off to college feeling good. Lots of virgin boys scurrying around, scrambling for sexual experience at parties.

Not me. A Jewish pervert ready to teach. Jeremy Dauber, the Atran professor of Yiddish language, literature, and culture at Columbia University and author of Jewish Comedy, traces Jewish dick jokes all the way back to the Bible.

It is "a laughter about male impotence," Dauber says. Novak is going in the opposite direction. Will future comedians have to deal with the flack that Patton still gets in his reviews?

Comedy is one of the only art forms that allows us to talk about male genitalia so openly and democratically.

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